Disclaimer: The author of this fanfiction does not, in any way, profit from the story. All creative rights to the characters belong to their original creator(s).

RUN: the treasure hunt story

by Pout

They ran across the flat landscape, across the hot, dry sand that slipped and shifted under pounding footsteps. Cliffs to one side, water on the other; nothing but sand ahead and madmen with guns behind: it was decidedly best to keep running.

“Run, Relena!” Heero’s voice seemed only slightly winded in comparison to the painful wheezing that issued from way down in the bottom of the girl’s exhausted lungs. Behind them a shot rang out, just close enough to make the group race even faster and more frantically down the barren beach. At the head of the company, Dorothy stumbled but was quickly pulled along by Duo and Hilde on either side of her. Feeling the heat of the afternoon sun and the heat it imparted upon the sand beneath their feet, the group thought back on how this particular predicament had come about. How Indiana Jones-ish, how very Goonie-esque. How had this mess begun? Was it when Heero and the others had showed up at Relena’s manor with a group of gun-toting maniacs on their trail? No, it went further back than that. When those same maniacs held an innocent group of circus performers hostage? Nope, back some more. How about when Duo and Hilde arrived at the Winner mansion with a curious item in their possession? No, no, no. It had all started days ago in a back alley with two idiot goons, a curious Duo—and above all, a map.

* * *

“You go on ahead and come back for me.” Slamming the car door shut, Duo stood at the curb and watched as Hilde drove off down the road leaving him in front of the local package delivery store. Parcel in hand and purpose in mind, he headed inside.

Beyond the glass doors there was mayhem. Lines wrapped like silly-string from random corner to random corner. Boxes were trudged about like so much extra baggage by disgruntled but well-paid employees. There were boxes of all colors, shapes and sizes: big ones, small ones, some as big as your head! In any case, the little store was desperately over-packed. Any business there would take much longer than any miniscule few minutes he had hoped for. Resigned to the fact, he obediently traced the appropriate line to its end, which was (ironically enough) up against the counter, and joined the throng of impatient customers.

Minutes turned into hours, hours into day, days into—no, just kidding. But really, Duo had been standing in that abominable line a long enough time for him to come to the conclusion that he really had to urinate. After politely asking the lady behind him (who was wearing the ugliest hat ever created in the known universe; ever, ever, ever) to honor his spot in line, “I’ll be back in no time,” he searched around for a bathroom. After deeming the search mightily unsuccessful, and being on the verge of doing the pee-pee dance, he made his way out the side door to find a dark alley way. Finding the particular spot behind the delivery store too “in the open,” he climbed a few fences, made down a few unused lanes, and ended up facing the wall of a not-exactly discrete alley way.

There he stood, wanting so very badly to answer nature’s blessed call, but finding it a bit difficult to do with so much rustling and noise around him. Feeling a bit of that “special stage fright” he rolled his shoulders and cracked his neck and prepared to psych himself out: I was a Gundam pilot. I blew things up. I fought in space. I can pee in a back alley in broad daylight. Not a problem. This may have gone on for a ridiculously long time, but eventually his bladder was happily emptied. With a great deal of pride (too much) he made to hurry back to his place in line before Ugly-Hat-Lady gave up on him and opened the package that he had left with her as ransom. Halfway up the second fence, he stopped. Beyond the wooden gate he was about to jump, he spied two men coming towards him. Figuring that it might be conceived as somewhat fishy if he was caught climbing over fences, Duo decided to wait for the two to pass before continuing on.

As they approached, Duo made some observations concerning the two thick-boned men coming down the lane. They were dressed inconspicuously enough, but were conversing strangely: they alternated between covert whispering and loud laughter as if constantly forgetting to be wary. But most interesting was the number of packages and cylinders and bags that they carried between the two of them. Keen observer that he was, Duo also noticed the not-too-carefully hidden side arms that they had tucked in various pockets under their clothing. Sensing an instinctual dislike for the two, Duo watched them as they bumbled along. The closer they got, the more he could hear of their conversation.

“... Boss ain’t gonna like it,” said the goon on the right. He towered over his friend who seemed miniature in comparison. “Why do we need to go south anyhow? How does he know where it is in the first place? It’s hot there! That map seems like a buncha hooey, if you ask me.” Then they jumped back into a whisper. As their voices dropped out of hearing, Duo took a closer look at all the packages they carried. They each held a number of cardboard boxes, plastic document cylinders, and big, orange file folders. Their voices slowly came back to discernible decibels.

“Jungle-ing around in the freakin’ mountains ain’t what I signed up for,” the short one complained. “And it’s a thirty-way cut! I’d rather be cartin’ stuff around at the Bone Boat.”

“Boss said it’d be good, though.”

“Sure, he said ‘real good,’ but who knows? That thing’s like fifty gazillion years old. How do we know that what’s supposed to be there ain’t already been taken by some other sneaky bastard?”

“Well, Boss says he knows what he’s doing.”

“Yeah, well, ya know what?” Shorty began, his voice lowering back into suspicious-whisper-mode. Their heads came together in classic conspirator’s fashion...

They’re gonna drop it all, Duo deduced shaking his head at their pre-destined clumsiness.

Sure enough, the two men knocked heads, which led to a mass collision, sending boxes, cylinders, and folders sprawling off in every which direction. The hidden pilot chuckled as they swore up a fever and scrambled about gathering the dropped items (a funny looking feat for such thick-boned, gruff-talking men). He rolled his eyes as he glanced at his watch, confirming silently that Ugly-Hat-Lady would, by this time, have declared him a liar and swallowed up his precious spot in line. If only the two idiots would hurry up with their collecting, perhaps he could still persuade the Lady to let him back in line. Hopefully, she hadn’t gone peeping into his box.

Eventually, finally, the two men picked themselves up, along with all their baggage, and trudged off down the road to his left. After their voices grew distant enough, Duo hopped up over the gate and was about to head back to the delivery shop when a glint of navy blue caught his eye. Laughing despite himself, he bent over and grabbed at a thin blue cylinder that had rolled itself under a dumpster. He had to get on his knees and reach, but eventually, he coaxed the roll out and into his hands. It was a skinny thing, a lush navy blue, most of the color fading, but rimmed at both ends with what may have been true gold. The canister was immediately identified as belonging to the two idiots. In fact, if Duo could remember straight, the tall one had been carrying it tucked all snug under his right arm. (Yuck.) The braided pilot was just about to crack the can open and see what treasures might have been hidden inside when impatient footsteps were heard echoing against the quiet alley walls.

Tall man and Shorty appeared once again, both looking quite distraught. As they caught sight of Duo, they stopped dead in their tracks. They first looked to each other, as if asking, “Do you see what I see?” then turned to stare at Duo as if saying, “What do you think you’re doing with that there cylinder, hey?” Duo was courteous enough to give a little wave first; then the chase began.

Flying over a low wooden fence, Duo had the advantage. He was lightweight, he was skilled at such tricks with plenty of prior experience, he was a Gundam Pilot, and most importantly: he had a head start. He managed to knock over a few (full) garbage cans, much to his pursuers’ disgust. Behind him, the two chasing him were shouting and screaming threats. The door of the shop was in sight, but as he reached for the knob he heard a gunshot ring out. “Oh, holy-” That thought, however, was interrupted by a new thought: The door’s locked. Indeed, try as he might (even knocking), the door would not open. Deciding it best not to wait and see if those guns were for play or for murder, Duo took off, heading for the main street. Tall man and Shorty had, however, caught up with him during the time spent knocking at the door, and were now targeting him with decidedly real guns with real bullets. Making his way deftly around trashcans and pizza boxes (bad delivery boys!) Duo did eventually make his way to the street. The crashing sounds of pursuit followed him however, but thankfully, there were no additional gunshots. Not looking forward to a public chase, but seeing no other choice, he was about to pick right or left, when what to his wondering eyes should appear? No deer, but something even better: Hilde’s little blue car rolling serenely up to the curb. Thanking his lucky stars, all five, he jumped into the passenger’s seat, slammed the door shut behind him, and shouted: “Go, go, go!” all in one breath.

The car sped off at his words, though Hilde still had no idea what was going on. Turning around in his seat, Duo waved at the two goons that were now staring at the car as it sped away, both looking severely distressed. Giving himself a minute to catch his breath, he pulled out the cylinder and examined it as the car sped around the corner.

“I’m sorry,” Hilde said patiently as they raced down a few more streets, “since when did I become your getaway driver?”

“Since those two goons back there decided to shoot at me,” he answered trying to sound more annoyed than giddy.

Hilde rolled her eyes, “How is it that I’m not surprised? I should be surprised, but I’m not. So, before you tell me all about your little adventure, tell me: did you send the box?” At that, Duo’s countenance turned meek and his manner turned contrite. With no answer provided, Hilde puffed in impatience. “So where is it then?”

Duo looked regretfully behind them, then back again to the annoyed driver. “Oops.” Hilde just rolled her eyes.

* * *

When Duo and Hilde arrived the next morning at Quatre’s “humble” abode, the master of the house was looking around for an excuse to conveniently forget a gargantuan accumulation of red tape that was seated on his office desk. The unexpected appearance of his two good friends warranted a long brunch and the clearing of... oh, all, of his meetings for the day. He felt great.

“Quatre, guess what I’ve got,” Duo said immediately.

“Oh God, I feel stupid,” muttered Hilde behind the braided one.

“Good morning, Duo, Hilde. How are you doing?”

“Quatre, guess what I’ve got here in my hand.”

“We’re doing fine, Quatre. How about you?” Hilde answered, both of them obediently ignoring the ecstatic Duo.

“This is gonna make us rich; well, me rich and you more rich,” Duo continued.

“A little swamped with paperwork but otherwise fine,” Quatre continued. “Did you have an enjoyable trip coming here?”

“It was an adventure, I’ll leave it at that,” Hilde responded.

“Oh?”

“So, you two done with the chitchat?” Duo asked, waving the pilfered blue tube around in the air.

“Quite done, Duo. What’s that you’ve got there?” Duo snorted but handed said tube to the blond pilot. “This is a very nice design; seems old, antique.”

“Just open it, Quatre.”

Peeling off the lid with a satisfying ‘pop,’ Quatre opened the cartridge and peered inside. He tipped it over and out came a thick roll of parchment. Duo was grinning like a madman and Hilde was looking at him hopefully.

“Take a look,” Duo prodded. “Tell me it doesn’t make you all tingly inside.”

Spreading the document out across the coffee table at the center of his lounge where the three of them were conferring, Quatre immediately recognized it to be a map, a very ancient sort of map. “It’s a map,” he said simply.

Duo shook his head emphatically. “No, no, Quatre. ‘X’ marks the spot! This is a treasure map.”

* * *

The map was two-sided. On one side was a map to show where exactly the ‘X’ was in accordance to the rest of the world. It showed what was guessed to be the continents, however distorted they were, plus the major local landmarks that surrounded the spot. The ‘X’ indicated a mountain range that guarded a bean shaped bay. The handwritten caption noted that the particular mountain they were searching for was the “titan among the men.” On the reverse side was a blow-up of the labyrinth that guarded the treasure. Presumably, in order to find the riches, the hunter had to first find the indicated mountain, then find the hidden path that led into the heart of it, then make it through the “tests” that were placed at regular intervals along the way. Some of these “tests” were briefly described on the map.

“Look at this. It says after the Chamber of Luminous Bliss is the Demon’s Court for Torturous Pain. Fun, fun, fun! Where do I sign up?” Hilde asked sarcastically as she eyed the map. “None of these traps will kill us, right?”

Duo leaned over her shoulder and commented earnestly, “I dunno, the Pit of Death seems pretty fatal.”

“I like the Hall of Desires,” added Quatre, “The caption says, ‘Where one’s Heart is the enemy.’ Sounds intriguing.”

“Don’t go getting all excited,” Hilde warned, running a hand through her cropped hair in a sign of annoyance, “We don’t even know where the hell this mountain is.”

“If we could get our hands on a good GIS (Geographic Information Systems) access, we could at least narrow our choices down,” suggested Duo.

“What clues, exactly, are we going on?” Hilde asked incredulously.

“It’s in the South, it’s hot, and it might look kinda like this,” he said pointing at the map.

Quatre stood up and walked over to his desk and began punching in numbers to place a call. As he did so, he said, “One of the most advanced GIS technologies just happens to be readily available to us, or at least available to someone we know.” He looked pointedly at Duo. The braided pilot smiled in acknowledgement.

Behind them, Hilde groaned, “Oh God.”

The two pilots grinned. “Chang Wufei.”

* * *

Late that same afternoon, Chang Wufei and partner, Sally Po, arrived at the Winner mansion.

“Wufei, Sally. Thank you for coming out here.”

“What’s this all about, Quatre?” Wufei asked immediately.

Duo appeared and slung his arm over the man’s shoulders. “Hey, buddy, how’s it goin’?”

“Duo,” Wufei nodded as he tried to shrug off the offending arm. “What’s going on? What’s the big emergency?”

Behind him, his female partner appeared, “Hilde!”

“Sally!” the younger woman returned. “Good to see you again! How have you been?”

“I’m good, how about you?”

“Aside from this recent goose chase, I’ve been alright. Oh, hey, Catherine said something about a tall, dark and handsome. Sounded intense. How did it turn out?”

Wufei snorted. Loudly.

Sending him a withering glare, Sally answered, “That didn’t really work out.”

Before the two women could launch into an all out gossip session, Duo announced, “We’re going on a treasure hunt.”

Sally smiled. “Gonna catch a big one? No, that’s a lion hunt.”

“This better be worth my time,” Wufei warned.

“We need you to use your access to the Preventers GIS and find this.” Quatre led them to the map spread out on the table. They took their positions around the table and leaned in to examine the document as Duo told his story from the beginning. After recounting his tale, he waited anxiously for whatever reactions the two Preventer agents had to offer.

“So, this is a treasure map. ‘X’ marks the spot and everything.” The Chinese man looked highly amused.

“This map is ancient,” Sally commented.

“Will you help?” Duo asked, fully ignoring the doubtful tones.

Wufei looked uncertain. “I don’t know if this is enough to go by, even for the GIS. This is highly inaccurate.”

“Don’t insult old dead guys.”

“Well, what exactly is the treasure?” asked Sally.

At that, Duo, Quatre, and Hilde all shared a look. None of them had even thought about that, besides the fact that they probably wanted whatever was there.

“You don’t know?” Wufei mocked.

Duo shrugged and rolled his eyes. “The thugs said it was a thirty-way split. So, it’s gotta be money.” Wufei was getting ready to stand up and walk out. As a last ditch effort, Duo added, “And if it’s not money, it might be a weapon! And we wouldn’t want bad guys with weapons.”

Sally grinned. “So this is an honest to goodness treasure hunt? With booby-traps and all?”

Hilde flipped the map over so the two Preventer agents could see the detailed map of the obstacle course that led to the gold.

“The Black Dart Room?” Sally said with great interest. Turning to her partner, she rationalized, “Well, if it is a weapon these people are after, we, as Preventer officers, have a duty to find it first.” She sent him her best look and mentally patted herself on the back when he rolled his eyes and gave a sigh of defeat.

“Fine, we’ll use the GIS, but what about these thugs? They’re probably looking around for this thing. Do you know if it’s an organization? Who these guys are working for?”

Duo shook his head. “They kept referring to a ‘Boss’ but they never said his name. Oh! And they mentioned a ‘Bone Boat.’ Might be a club or a headquarters of some sort.”

Sally stood up and started to roll up the map. “Here’s the plan: me and Quatre will go check this out with the GIS tech at Preventers. You three go and try and ID the goons and find out what the heck the ‘Bone Boat’ is. Hopefully, we’ll be able to set out on this little adventure soon, hm?”

* * *

“There is no Bone Boat nightclub!” Hilde groaned for the umpteenth time. She resisted the urge to bang her (or someone else’s) head into the table. Wufei gave her a disapproving frown. They had been there for a better part of the night. One of the goons, Shorty, had been identified as a Mr. Mark Treeborg. Duo was still searching for the other. Meanwhile, Hilde and Wufei were scouring the electronic information networks, phone books, and newspapers looking all over for any reference to a Bone Boat, or Bone, or Boat, for that matter. So far, they had come up with absolutely nothing.

Suddenly, Wufei’s communicator went off.

“Chang,” he answered. He got up from his chair and left the room so he could speak freely.

Groaning noisily, Hilde flopped carelessly onto the table.

“Can’t be that bad,” Duo commented.

“There’s nothing here. And your little friend out there is getting on my nerves. He treats me like I’m an idiot. I can’t believe Sally even-” She stopped abruptly, mid-sentence and gasped.

“You can’t believe Sally even what?” Duo asked turning around in his seat.

“That’s it!” Hilde shouted. Apparently, she had discovered something. “Come look at this!”

The door opened and Wufei reentered. “What? Did you find something?” The two men rushed over to the table where Hilde was grinning proudly.

She pointed to an article in the arts section of a week-old newspaper. The headline read ‘Dr. Gipkoel sails to international recognition.’ Hilde clapped quietly. “Yay, me!” The article featured an ambitious archaeologist who was taking his entire exhibit all around the world with him as he traveled around on his private ship.

“The Bone Boat’s a museum?” Duo asked, sounding more than a little skeptical.

“It makes sense,” Wufei answered. “He’s a bone-digger. How else would someone end up with a however-many-year-old map like that? Good job, Hilde.” Before she could reel in disbelief from the highly uncommon compliment, he added, “Sally called. They’ve narrowed it down to six possible destinations. We’re gonna reconvene at Quatre’s tomorrow morning. Meanwhile-”

“You and I are gonna go check out this Bone Boat exhibit,” Duo cut in.

Wufei smirked. “Precisely.”

Hilde shook her head, “That’s right, go be boys. I’ll see you in the morning.”

* * *

The next day, bright and early, the five discussed their progress.

“So, here’s the deal,” Duo began. “Old Gippy’s got goons running amuck all over the Boat, the dock, everywhere. Not your average archaeologist, I tell ya.”

Wufei nodded. “Last night was the last show here. They’re all packing up now. They have one more stop, then the tour’s over. After that, who knows where they’ll be going. But with all the movement currently, I’d guess they’re preparing for something big.”

“It would help if we knew where they were going. It would narrow down our own choices,” Quatre commented.

“We could do a little spying,” Hilde suggested.

Wufei shook his head. “No, there’s no time for intelligence work. They ship off today and won’t dock for another two days. Then they have the finale and that’s it.”

Sally spoke up: “Bug the place. Preferably where the doctor does most of his talking.”

They all nodded in agreement. “We would need to break in,” Wufei said presenting their newest obstacle.

Duo whistled and shook his head. “That’ll be hard with goons swarming around like wasps.”

Quatre nodded. “What about cameras? He must be watching his cargo. Could we tap into his own system?”

This idea was exciting. And so they spent the better part of the morning in front of the computer attempting to hack into Gipkoel’s security system, which was surprisingly tight, but after a number of failed attempts and close shaves, they were ready to give it up.

“This system is hardcore!” Sally sank back into her chair, glaring angrily at the computer before them.

“It is officially un-hackable,” Hilde declared.

Quatre shifted in his chair. ‘Officially un-hackable?’ Perhaps not. He looked up and found his own thoughts mirrored in Wufei and Duo both. He laughed and smiled at his friends. “It’s turning into quite a reunion!”

* * *

Two days later, they held a meeting of sorts in a basement room at Preventers Headquarters. This time there was an additional member to the crew.

“What’s going on?”

“We just need you to hack into a system for us, if you don’t mind, Heero,” Quatre requested politely.

Heero shook his head and raised a brow. “What’s going on?” he repeated.

Duo put a hand on his shoulder and steered him to a seat. “Alright, Heero. Sit down. I’ll start from the beginning.”

Hilde groaned. “Oh no, not again.”

Needless to say, in the end, they did manage to persuade the stoic pilot to join their ranks, and within minutes, he had secured their access to the ship’s security system. Unfortunately, things never go quite as smoothly as planned.

“You’re not gonna get any actual feed unless you get close to the ship. They’re using a limited range signal. You have to be within parameters,” Heero announced.

“This sucks!” whined Duo. “We’re never gonna see that damned mountain!”

Quatre shook his head at his friend’s antics. “We can sneak up tonight. The ship docks at 7:00. Can we set up a relay signal there?” Heero nodded affirmatively. “Wonderful.”

“Great,” Duo smiled. “The sooner we find out where Gippy’s going, the sooner we can get there ourselves.”

* * *

Through the surveillance cameras and sound monitors that Gippy had so graciously (and unwittingly) provided, the group learned quite a bit about “the project,” as the crew of the Bone Boat liked to call it (as if it were some kind of codename; how very original!). Firstly, they learned that the Boat was headed for South America, more specifically, a particular region of tropical forestation near the western coast. The Bone Boat thugs codenamed this, “the jungle.” Go figure. Secondly, Dr. Gipkoel had filled his little boat with every useful device one could dream of. Most of the cargo was for the archaeological show, but there was an entire set of rooms dedicated to “the project.” They contained all sorts of whatnots: documents, files, ancient tools and knickknacks, astronomical equipment, quite a number of electronic gadgets, much of which Tall man and Shorty must have carried in at some point or other. It made the group watching back at the Winner mansion a bit nervous to see how much Gippy had prepared for “the project.” If indeed all this equipment was needed for the journey, then they were themselves poorly prepared in comparison. Thirdly, and most importantly, they learned that there were three key elements necessary for getting through the obstacle course: a silver key, a bright red jewel, and the map. Gipkoel was already in possession of the first two. However, the map that was sitting pretty in Quatre’s high security safe.

Concerning the other two items, the group had come up with a fail proof plan to obtain these key elements: “We go in, we grab, we get out.”

“Sounds good, Quatre,” nodded Duo.

“Tonight?” Heero inquired.

“Sure,” Wufei shrugged.

“It’ll have to be tonight,” Quatre said. “It’s the final show. After this, they ship off for the jungle.”

“What about the map? Don’t they need it? I thought you couldn’t get through without the map. Why bother going all the way over there if they know they’re not going to get anywhere without it?” asked Hilde.

“He’s had the thing for months; he’s probably made copies, just like we did,” answered Duo.

“So we’ll just walk right in and take the key and the jewel right out of the high security vault and whisk it away right under the noses of some twenty odd armed lackeys. That’s the plan? Does anyone else see a problem here?” asked Sally as she studied the surveillance tapes they had of the Project Rooms.

Duo laughed condescendingly, “Your talking to Gundam pilots. There’s nothing we can’t break into, nothing we can’t steal, and nothing we can’t escape from.”

“Watch it, Big Head,” Hilde warned poking his temple. “Even for you guys, it’s still risky.”

Duo snorted. “We’ll just see about that. This job’s gonna be a piece of cake.”

* * *

“Idiots,” Sally growled as the pilots scrambled into the car and Hilde let the tires screech and wheel them off down the road.

“Well, that was unexpected,” Quatre’s slightly breathless voice called from the backseat.

“‘It’s gonna be a piece of cake,’ he says. ‘There’s nothing we can’t do. We’re Gundam pilots.’ And what did we say?” Hilde turned to Sally who was in the passenger seat next to her.

Sally shook her head. “We said, ‘you need a plan.’ We said, ‘it’s still a risk.’ We warned them Gippy wouldn’t be easy to rip off. But did they listen to us?”

“Nooooooo,” Hilde answered. “They went ahead and tripped every alarm in the system, managed to get all the thugs on the boat to chase after them, and eventually resorted to calling us to come rescue them.”

Wufei’s head popped up between them. “Are you two quite finished?”

“Quite,” Sally replied patting his head. He glared back at her.

“Where are we headed?” Hilde asked as she took a sharp turn to the right sending everyone in the backseat careening to the left. “Sorry.”

“Do you have the map?” asked Quatre. Sally held up the blue cylinder. “Well then, head back to the mansion and we’ll get the jet ready-”

The car lurched to the left, then the right, then took a sharp turn left. “Hilde, I hate to complain-” Duo began.

“We’ve got company,” Heero announced as he looked behind them.

“Heads up,” Wufei warned. Ahead of them, a couple thugs had blocked off the road and the highway onramp, and were waiting for their vehicle to get within firing range.

“Damn, we need to take that onramp,” Sally commented, her brows coming together in worry.

“Hold on,” Hilde advised. Suddenly, the car did a complete one-eighty, skidded to a stop for the briefest of moments, then lurched forward once again. Now, they were heading straight for the two cars that had once been behind them.

Duo was wide-eyed. “As much fun as chicken is-”

The car lurched to the left, hopped onto the sidewalk, knocked over a few garbage cans, then sped down the thin gap between two dark buildings. They emerged on the other side and took off down the road at full speed.

“Excellent maneuvering,” Quatre complimented. Hilde gave an evil sort of grin.

Heero pointed, “There’s the southbound onramp.”

Wufei pointed up ahead beyond the turn. “And there are the trolls that protect it.”

“If we don’t get on the highway-”

“We will get on the highway,” Hilde cut in.

“Of course,” Quatre amended quickly.

In the front seat, Sally clutched the door and the dashboard alternately. “We’re gonna die,” she muttered, her eyes bulging at the oncoming cars. “Step on it!” she hissed.

Quatre looked thoughtfully out the windshield. “We may be in some trouble.” (What an understatement.)

“They’re closing in.” Heero’s voice was deceptively calm. “And they’re blocking off the road.” In the distance, two more cars appeared and formed a barricade, blocking off the rest of the dark street.

“We won’t have anywhere to go,” Duo stated, referring to the additional three cars now following behind them.

“Speed up,” Wufei ordered.

“What do you think I’m doing?” growled Hilde, sending the pedal to the floor and snapping the landscape outside to fast-forward through the windows.

“If we try to take the turn at this speed we’ll flip over!” Sally warned.

“I know what I’m doing. I think.”

The car approached the turn, the opposing cars rushing towards them at an only slightly less madcap speed. When the drivers of the opposite cars figured out that Hilde would not be slowing down, they decreased their own speed predicting that the car would either overturn or crash. But instead of taking the road as it lay, Hilde slid the car into the roadside ditch, tilting the car precariously and scratching the bottom of the vehicle at times and took the sharp left turn onto the highway at a diminished angle. For a moment, the wheels on the right side of the car very definitely left the ground, but when they smacked back onto hard pavement, the group was home free.

“So,” Hilde began with a justified amount of pride, “where are we off to now?”

Duo leaned back into his seat with a raised eyebrow and a wry smile. “I hear the circus is in town.”

* * *

When they pulled up to the perimeter of the circus fairgrounds, Trowa was already standing there waiting for them. He stood there with his arms folded up against his chest and an amused little smile on his face. By that time, it was the dark of night with the sun expected to rise within a few hours. The group, now totaling six (seven if you included the silent clown himself) followed Trowa back to his trailer and sat crowded inside as Duo told his story once again, with Hilde groaning in the background and adding comments to his narrative along with the rest of the group. Trowa listened quietly to the story (and the commentary) and neither asked questions nor made any comments of his own. He examined the map with the same level of neutrality, saying only that it was ‘interesting.’ When at last the company sat there in silence, Trowa nodded and said simply, “Sounds like fun. You’ve had a long night. You should all get some sleep.”

Alas, it was not to be. At that moment, Heero sprang up from his seat and peeked out of the window blinds. “We’re being surrounded.” His announcement was received with an immense sense of exasperation. The thought circulating around the room was, ‘You’ve got to be kidding me.’

With a tired sigh, Wufei stood up to join Heero at the window and said, “Yeah, we’ve been penned in.”

“How the hell did they follow us here?” growled Duo in annoyance as the company began to stand and stretch lethargically.

Trowa took a long look down the road out the window then turned to his company, “Thanks for bringing a pack of maniacs to my home.” His voice was eerily calm, making it difficult to discern his meaning until the clown gave a slight grin.

“So? What’s the game plan?” Sally asked, hiding a yawn with one hand.

“We’re not driving out of here with them surrounding us like this, that’s for sure,” Hilde observed, “We’d never make it to the car anyhow.”

“Stay here. Hide,” Trowa said as he went to “deal with things.” Really, though, in a cramped little trailer that was made to be mobile, not a refuge for six people, there wasn’t very much they could do in the way of concealing themselves except to close the door, slant the blinds, and keep their voices down.

In any case, Trowa watched the men slowly get out of their cars brandishing big guns and scowling angrily at the circus grounds. The pilot made his way to his sister’s apartments and knocked on the door. What woke her up, however, was the sound of gunfire and the shouts to ‘get out here!’ that came from the gunmen. The shots managed to bring Catherine to the door and send the rest of the circus personnel running and screaming from their own trailers in sheer terror.

“What’s going on?” cried Catherine, grabbing at the flaps of her robe.

Trowa calmly replied, “These people are looking for some friends of ours.” All around them people were running and screaming and being herded together towards the center of the campsite.

“Friends of ours?” she asked, thoroughly confused. “Hold on, let me get some shoes on at least,” she said as she disappeared inside again and slipped a pair of old sneakers onto her bare feet. When she returned, she stepped out of the trailer and carefully closed the door behind her. She looked at her brother from the corner of her eye as he walked with her to join the throng of frightened circus workers. “The pilots?”

Trowa nodded. “Sally and Hilde, too.”

“No kidding,” she said smiling despite herself. “What the hell did they do?”

“Long story,” was the reply.

“We’re going to be ok, right? And the rest of the troupe?”

“I’m sure everything will be fine.”

Catherine nodded, then gasped, “I wonder if Sally’s still seeing that cute lawyer guy.”

Trowa gave her a look that said, ‘Perhaps that isn’t the right thing to be pondering at the moment.’ She shrugged her shoulders innocently as he shook his head.

While Trowa was outside with his sister and the rest of the hostages, the group still inside the trailer was escaping.

“It would have been faster if he had just told us about this,” Wufei pointed out as he dropped down to the ground underneath the trailer via a trapdoor on the floor of the trailer.

Quatre rolled his eyes. “Trowa never says anything outright.”

“Face it, he takes pleasure in testing us, sick bastard,” Sally grumbled, though she had been the first to find one of Trowa’s hidden weapons.

After the clown had left, the group had stood around watching him walk away for all of five seconds before they began searching through his belongings and furnishings for weapons and escape routes.

Duo turned to Heero as he waited for Hilde to drop down. “Remember the last time? We spent fifteen minutes searching for those damned keys. Luckily, we’re getting better at this hide-and-seek game,” he said patting the extra sidearm that he now had hidden under his clothing.

Once they were all under the structure, Heero slid the trapdoor shut and they lay on their bellies waiting and trying to decide what next to do. They watched as the men rounded everyone up at the center of the camp and a number of men went about from trailer to trailer kicking open doors and making sure there was no one still hiding away.

Then one of the men shouted out their demands. “Give us the artifacts and we won’t hurt no one.” The poor circus people looked absolutely bewildered. Under the trailer, the six were about to make a break for it when the man’s voice rang out once again, “I know at least one of you knows where the artifacts are, so speak up before we start gettin’ nasty.” Under the trailer, six heads turned back simultaneously. When no one moved or spoke, the leader man leered at his hostages. “You, you there in the skimpy robe, get over here. Move! Ok,” the man sneered as he pointed his weapon at the girl who he had handpicked for a little demonstration, “Someone talks in thirty seconds or she gets it.”

As he watched them point the gun at his sister’s head, Trowa said wearily to himself, ‘Out of a whole tent load of people, you had to pick my sister.’ He spoke loudly so anyone listening could hear him: “They’re in my trailer.”

* * *

“Out of a whole horde of circus freaks, they had to go and pick his sister. Jeez.” Duo rolled his eyes incredulously, gesturing in exasperation. From under the trailer, the group had just been able to see the bulky gunman hold a gun up to Catherine’s right temple. Trowa’s little warning had sent the six adventurers into a scurry as they tried to quickly scramble back up through the trap door. From the window they watched the goings on outside.

They heard the leader say, “That’s better.” But despite Trowa’s confession, the slimy man failed to put his gun down.

“Let her go, she doesn’t know anything about this,” they heard Trowa say formulaically.

The slimy leader shrugged and shoved Catherine away from him towards her brother and straightened his arm to point his weapon at the both of them. “Now, why don’t you show me where your little trailer is, hm?”

“How do I know you’ll let us go afterwards?” Trowa stalled.

“Once you show me the artifacts, I’ll let you go.” (Thugs, or at least the thugs in this group at least, had long since given up the ‘You have my word’ or ‘On my honor’ line. Throughout the years, the reputation of thugs and goons in general had really sunk to levels of complete indignity making a thug’s ‘word’ or ‘honor’ highly questionable and rendering any such oaths null and void. No decent victim would ever buy it these days.) “Besides,” the man sneered slimily, “I don’t think you have much choice.”

“Why exactly do you need these artifacts, anyhow?” Trowa asked calmly without moving to lead them anywhere.

The head thug opened his mouth to reply, then regarded him for a moment before shaking his head as if saying, ‘Nah uh, I found you out, you sneaky bastard. Shame on you.’ “Where’s the trailer, bub?”

Quatre, who was monitoring things from the window, announced, “Oh, ok, Trowa’s leading them over here.” The blond pilot began to laugh. “Oh, this is funny. That guy’s calling in practically all of his men. Who do they think we are?” he snorted. “They obviously don’t know who we really are, otherwise they’d-”

“Bend over?” offered Duo who was now fiddling with his gun.

“You’d better get outta here,” Hilde beckoned as she held the trap door open for him.

“Farewell, my dears!” He saluted and disappeared.

“Here they come,” Quatre warned, taking a seat just as the door burst open. Trowa and Catherine were pushed through the aperture followed by the slimy man and a whole platoon of minions. Catherine’s face brightened and she mouthed out ‘Hi, you guys’ before changing back to frightened damsel mode.

If the slimy leader man was surprised to see the five of them sitting and standing nonchalantly about the trailer, he did a fairly good job of hiding it.

“Hello,” Quatre offered with a slightly condescending smile. Beside him on the couch, Wufei leaned back and propped his feet up on the coffee table letting his head loll back, while Heero leaned forward and took a drink of water from a glass on the table then quietly replaced it with a clink.

“Where’s the key and the rock?” the man asked gruffly as he and his men trained their weapons on the group members.

“Are you blind?” Hilde’s voice mocked from the corner of the room where she was currently leaning against the wall in classic bad-girl fashion. She gestured towards the coffee table as she rolled her eyes and muttered incoherently under her breath. Indeed, there in the middle of the table both the key and the jewel lay placidly atop a white dishtowel. “Go on; take it!” she attacked, mentally smirking at the startled and bewildered look that flitted across the slimy man’s face. “Take it!” she heckled.

But the man subconsciously took a step back, fearing a trap or something else equally nasty.

“Fine then,” Sally shrugged, reaching over to pick up the artifacts and getting ready to pocket them herself.

“Gimme that!” the man hollered, the veins plainly visible at his temple. He snatched the towel and its treasures from her hand, shaking his gun at them all as he did so. “What about the map?”

The group looked around at each other innocently. “What map?” Heero asked.

Slimy man’s eyes narrowed. “Search the place.”

The group of seven friends watched expressionlessly as the goons ransacked the apartment. They searched every corner and every hiding place they could think of: the bed, the dresser, the desk drawers, under the desk drawers, in the closet, the mini-fridge, the cupboards, the toilet bowl, the toilet tank. They found nothing. They frisked them all, with Sally, Hilde, and Catherine shouting at them to watch how long they let their hands linger in any one place, but never found a thing.

“We can take ‘em back and Tree and Ham can ID them,” one of the other goons said to the slimy boss guy.

Slimy nodded and waved at his hostages, “Tie ‘em all up together. One of you guys stay here and watch ‘em while we’re driving back.” With that he left the scene, key and jewel in hand.

* * *

They had been on the road for a few hours now. The sun had peeked up over the horizon when they had set out and by now was casting a serene but sharp morning light through the blinds of the trailer. The group was sitting on the floor in one group of four and another group of three. They said nothing but each of them looked bored, bored with waiting. Watching over them was a short, pudgy little guy with a big gun. He could hardly be called hyperaware, but he was attentive enough. Every once in a while, he’d lift his gun and point it at his charges and go ‘bang, bang, bang!’ like a bratty five year old. At around six, the truck that pulled the trailer along stopped at a gas station in a pit stop town to refill its gas tank.

“If he doesn’t show up soon...” Wufei began in a low growl.

Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. The door burst open, there was a soft kind of thump, the guard passed out, and Duo Maxwell entered the cabin. “I’m back. Dude, Trowa, these tranquilizer darts are effective and efficient. Very nice.”

“Took you long enough,” Heero commented.

Duo shot him a quirky grin. He pulled out a sharp blade and began to saw through the ropes that bound them together. “Yeah, well, I didn’t get a chance to lift the merchandise off of Slimy until now. He’s across the street at Bounty Burgers inhaling fries. I dashed over as soon as I could. The rest of the thugs are dispersed all over. Only a few of them are here pickin’ up gas, but I’ve got my eyes set on the van at the pump ahead of us. You’ll love it, Hilde,” he smirked. Once they were free from each other, Duo began to saw through the binds that held each person’s hands and legs together, starting with Quatre. “You finish up here, I’m gonna go take care of the drivers in the van.” He handed the blade over to the other pilot and disappeared out the door once again.

In a few moments, the door pushed open and two men stepped into the trailer. Behind them, Duo had one hand casually draped over the shoulder of one man and the barrel of a gun pointed at the back of the other. “Good, thank you for your cooperation. If you could just sit there on the floor—yup, and wrists and ankles out, please. Wonderful.” Sally and Heero, now free, began to methodically tie them up, as they and their friends had been only moments before, with rope and strips of bed sheet. “Alright, hurry it up, I think the driver of the truck’s gonna come-to soon.”

“What’d you do to him?” asked Sally.

“Tranquilizer; then stuffed him in a stall.”

Once the three goons they had collected were sufficiently restrained (they’d be discovered in ten or fifteen minutes anyhow, they reassured the goons) the eight of them loaded up into the van and pulled out of the station.

“Which way?” asked Hilde at the driver’s seat. “Whoa!” she gasped, looking down. “Well, hello there, Trowa,” she said playfully as Trowa snaked his arms between her ankles and under her seat to hotwire something or other.

At her gasp, Trowa looked up at her and smiled apologetically. “I’m disabling the tracking system.”

“This van’s got some nice toys,” Quatre complimented.

“Focus,” Hilde reminded them. “What’s the destination?”

Wufei pointed towards an onramp. “There. Go there.”

She shrugged and complied, but asked, “Ok, so where’s this supposed to take us?”

Quatre was chuckling in the back. “Oh, hey, good idea,” Duo said with more than a little mirth.

“What?” Hilde asked.

“We’re going somewhere safe,” Quatre answered.

Duo nodded. “Somewhere with tippy-top security.”

Suddenly, Heero sat up in his seat. “No,” he said firmly.

“A security system designed by the master himself.”

“No,” Heero repeated.

“Oo-la-la,” Sally quipped, “Did someone say Peacecraft Summer Palace?”

* * *

It was bad enough that by running to the Peacecraft manor, they had risked involving Relena, important political figure that she was, in their little escapade. It was doubly bad that Dorothy Catalonia happened to be visiting at the Palace the very day that the ragged band of adventurers showed up on the (massive) doorstep looking quite put out.

After making her guests comfortable, Relena and her co-conspirator, both donning wonderfully amused expressions, demanded answers. This time, Hilde managed to take over telling the story, despite Duo’s complaining, and as she ended with a final, “So here we are,” the two blonds were equally enraptured and terribly intrigued.

“Oo, in-teresting,” Dorothy said with a delicate blink of the eyes.

“Indeed,” Relena agreed with a happy little smile on her face. Seeing said smile, Heero countered with his own deep frown. She ignored him and turned to the rest of the group, “So what’s the next step?”

As if they had expected her to just sit back and send them off so easily, the group shifted and exchanged glances. Most of them looked to Heero to gauge the degree of the argument to come; some made personal bets on just who would come up on top. (In case you wanted to know, Relena was highly favored.)

Heero (equally aware of the odds) straightened up and looked down at the woman challenging him. “We are going to South America.”

There was a little pause while eight people shifted in their seats to get comfortable. Relena-Heero fights were nothing if not entertaining.

Relena nodded quietly. “Yes, I suppose we should be going soon.”

Heero’s eyes narrowed. “You are staying here. There’s no point in putting you in danger. You’re safe here.”

Relena ran through a list of retorts in her mind. She debated for a moment: she could drag this out and bring him eventually to reason, or she could make this snappy and threaten him. She opted for the latter. Tucking a strand of blond hair behind her ear, she looked her self-appointed bodyguard in the eye. “Very well, Heero,” alarms clanged in the scowling pilot’s head, “you guys can go on this treasure hunt of yours without me. But, while you’re off romping around South America, I’ll be in Jamaica, lying around half-naked on the beach, with only a bikini and drink to protect me.” She ended with a seductive biting of the lower lip and a slow meaningful lowering of the lashes. As Heero made to give a response, she came to her feet and glared at him. “Don’t you dare try and order me to stay here, Heero Yuy. I’m giving you two choices here; either you take me with you, or I’m getting my vacation’s worth in Jamaica. The lesser of two evils, Yuy; choose.”

Ultimately, Heero did give in and chose to let her go with them, but only because minutes later, Gippy’s lackeys showed up outside the gates, their weapons in plain sight. They did turn around and leave a few moments later when they realized exactly whose house they were closing in on, but Heero admitted defeat. After all, at least on this crazy quest of theirs, he’d be able to keep an eye on her. So, the next morning, ten hopeful fortune hunters set out for- what’s that? Oh, you’re wondering about the tenth person. That would be Dorothy. Yes, well, guess who happened to have a shiny new jet lying around?

* * *

“Ok, the map says the mountains we’re looking for form ‘the lady sleeping by the water that runs gold.’” As Duo scratched his head, the rest of the group looked up at the small range of mountains before them. “Ok, so now, we know that this river here used to support the old mining towns, so there’s your water that runs gold. And I guess we’re assuming that this range of mountains is the lady sleeping, correct? So, now the map says the entrance is at the north side of the highest mountain’s foot.” They looked toward the center peak that stood slightly higher than the rest. “Ok, let’s go.”

By the time Gipkoel and his thugs arrived late that afternoon, the group had already searched high and low around the small mountain for the ‘broad stone of smoother white’ that the map described as being the door to the treasure. Having found nothing, the crew retreated to watch Gippy covertly from a distance. Through their secret surveillance, they found that Gippy had cleverly made duplicates of both the jewel and the key, which explained why the goons from the day before retreated from Relena’s manor.

When night fell, Gippy finally gave up after having come up empty as the crew had hours before. Setting up camp on the other side of the mountain, the group discussed their options.

“It can’t be this mountain, then,” Sally said. “We searched everywhere. North, south, east, west, we saw it all.”

“Well, the map’s old. Maybe the land has changed,” offered Relena.

“So much that the mountains have changed, too?” asked Catherine.

“The earth is dynamic,” Quatre reminded.

“Hold on,” Hilde said, suddenly. “Where’s that tour book?” (For, of course, they did have a tour book.) When she found it, she began flipping through its pages.

“Whatcha lookin’ for?” asked Duo as he sat down beside her.

“Here, it says that these mountains used to be part of a volcanic chain,” Hilde said in triumph.

Sally nodded slowly, catching on. “So, maybe the highest mountain back then wasn’t this one, but a volcanic one.”

“One that blew its top years ago,” added Dorothy.

“So that it’s not the highest peak anymore,” concluded Wufei. Now they were excited.

“Where’s the aerial shot?” asked Trowa. There was more shuffling but eventually a photo of the tops of the mountains was presented and the group leaned their heads in to examine it.

“Caldera,” Heero declared as he pointed to the collapsed top of the second mountain from the left. Long ago, the now dormant volcano had erupted, depleting its supply of magma. With no magma to support its top, it collapsed from the inside, forming a rounded crater in place of a peak, making it a scant bit shorter than the mountain they had been searching that morning.

With the mystery solved, the crew went to sleep knowing that tomorrow was the beginning of the true journey: the journey through the mountain. (Dun dun dun!!)

* * *

The next day, the crew woke early and set out to find their treasure. Scouring the side of the mountain, they all noticed how lucky it was that the eruption of however many years back hadn’t run down the north face of the old volcano. They split into pairs in order to cover more ground. Now that they had the right mountain, the search was considerably more profitable; Trowa and Duo found the ‘broad stone of smoother white’ around noon. After a quick break for lunch, the group gathered around the stone to decide what to do next.

The stone was smooth, and a pale whitish stone color, obviously manmade because of its flat nature; it was a very well hidden door. The door was nestled within the crags of two protruding cliffs of rock with an overhang of stone and moss sheltering it. They had had to hack off a number of weeds and vines from the front of the door to make it visible again.

“Ok, well, seems pretty obvious that the key is suppose to open the door,” Dorothy stated.

“Where’s the keyhole?” asked Catherine. Running hands over the smooth stone led them to the discovery of a small hole towards the bottom right corner of the door. But it wasn’t a keyhole.

“Maybe it’s not for a key,” Quatre thought out loud.

“The jewel,” came the simultaneous thought.

Duo fished around for the jewel and brought it out to compare with the small hole in the door. Indeed the jewel looked as if it might fit very well. “Ok, stand back,” he said as he reached down and stuck the little red jewel in place. He backed up slightly as they jewel began to sink back into the stone all of its own accord. Suddenly, he dropped.

A split second later, he found himself lying on his back, dirt all around him, sunlight streaming in from above him. Taking a moment to collect himself, he looked up at the hole. A shadow passed over it and he heard Hilde’s voice call down to him, “Duo? Are you alright?”

“I’m alright” he called back. “Come on down, it’s not too far.” Somehow, the jewel had triggered the ground beneath him to tumble out, sending him falling into the dark of the tunnel beneath the door. After some lowering down of people and jumping down for others, the group of ten were all below ground, walking carefully down the dark corridors of dirt and rock that led into the heart of the mountain.

The initial leg of the tunnel was long and relatively uneventful. With torches and flashlights, they had enough light to walk by and so they managed not to stumble on the skeletons of old treasure hunters. After a good twenty minutes of walking, they came to their first room, what the map called The Room for All Beginnings.

* * *

They stepped out of the narrow tunnels into a relatively spacious room. In the center of the room there were three daises, each housing a small, lockless chest; one of silver, one of gold, one of brass. In the center of the circle the daises formed was a taller podium. Onto the top of the podium was carved a riddle:

Search within this riddle to find
It tells the name of the chest you desire
Lying within the chest is a key
Villains and heroes it both will set free
Even so, chose carefully,
Regarding all your choices three.

It didn’t take them very long to realize where the answer was hidden. By looking at the first letter of each line, they chose the silver chest. When Quatre, who came up with the answer first, was conscripted to do the actual opening for them, the rest of the group put some distance between them in case they were in for another abrupt drop.

Slowly prying open the lid of the silver chest, Quatre couldn’t help but worry about sharp knives dropping unexpectedly from the ceiling to remove a limb, or streams of poisonous gases trailing tendrils in the air as it moved to suffocate him and his friends to death. But luckily, no such horrible things happened. As promised, within the chest lay a key. Attached to the key was a parchment note, its letters fading after all this time. The note read, “You have chosen correctly. Take the key and begin your journey. A clue for those who seek to survive: honesty, strength, bravery, and intelligence are the traits I admire.”

“Seek to survive?” Wufei queried.

“Ominous,” said Relena with a wriggle of her brows.

Across the room from where they had entered was a stone door. “Ok, before we open the door, what’s the map say about what’s behind it?” asked Sally. Pulling out their handy-dandy map, they discovered that the next phase was the Hall of Dark Surprises. There was no caption, no clues as to what the surprise might be. The only way to find out was to open the door. The newly acquired key fit in the slot nicely though it took a few moments to make the ancient lock turn. With a deep breath, Wufei and Quatre pulled the door open. No one moved. Beyond the door lay nothing but more tunnel.

“Well, this looks like it’ll be easy enough,” said Hilde. “Solve a couple riddles, nice long walks in between, no problem.” She put one foot out the door into the corridor and then all hell broke loose.

That one footstep had triggered some sort of trapdoor above the tunnel. With the slightest pressure, the trap was sprung and down came the beetles. Brown, black, red; they ranged from jellybean sized to baby shoe sized. And oh how they did scuttle and squirm and click and chirp.

In any case, the moment they dropped, Hilde jumped back and she and the girls screamed their heads off. “GET ‘EM OFF ME!” screamed Hilde, her eyes rolling into the back of her head. One bluish beetle was crawling around on the toe of her shoe and three others were clinging to her pant leg. So, while Quatre, Heero and Wufei slammed the door shut (squishing a few bugs in the process), Duo and Trowa managed to pry the four offending beetles off of Hilde and sent them to the floor with the other beetles that had managed to come through before the door was closed. As the boys stepped and squished and squashed and killed, Hilde and the other girls fled to the far corner where they discovered that the trap had also released a giant slab of stone to block the entrance they had come in from.

“Kill it! Kill it! Jeez! Eeeew!” cried Catherine as one of the littler beetles managed to bypass the pilots and was at the moment coming towards the girls. “Trowa! Get over here!” she squeaked.

SQUISH!

“They’re just bugs,” Trowa said with a carefully hidden tone of amusement.

“Eeew, they were on me!” Hilde wailed. Her friends coo-ed and aw-ed and did a fine job comforting her.

Duo looked up from squishing and said, “Sally, I thought at least you’d be normal. Preventer Water and all.”

Wufei chuckled. “She’s scared of bugs. Really scared.” BAM!

“Oh shut up, Chang Wufei, before I come over there and smack you.”

SQUASH! “I dare you.”

Eventually, all the bugs in the room lay dead and they discussed what to do about the Hall of Dark (and Disgusting) Surprises.

“We can just walk across it,” Heero said simply.

Wufei nodded. “They’re harmless.” The females of the room begged to differ.

“Uh-uh, no way I’m just walking out there with those things running around on the floor,” Dorothy said digging in her proverbial heels.

“Well there’s no way we can kill all of those bugs just so you ladies don’t get squeamish,” Duo pointed out.

For a few moments there was bickering and fair amount of hissing, but eventually, Heero came up with the perfect plan.

“We’ll carry them across.”

Wufei and Duo gave him incredulous looks. “Isn’t that, like, sexist or something?” asked Duo.

“How chivalrous, Heero,” Relena purred as she wrapped her arms around him and hopped herself right into his arms.

“I get Trowa!” screamed Hilde.

“What?! Why?” Catherine protested violently.

“He’s the tallest which puts me as far from the beetles as possible.”

“Well he’s my brother. Why do you get him?”

Hilde glared over at her friend: “I had bugs on me!” Catherine wisely conceded.

There was a little more fussing as the males decided how best to carry their passengers. Trowa opted for piggybacking Hilde, as Quatre did for Dorothy, but Catherine and Sally were protesting being slung over the shoulders of Duo and Wufei like sacks of potatoes. After much argument, Wufei finally declared, “Would you rather run across it yourself, woman?!” That shut them up, quick.

“Ok, door opens, we run. Dorothy, could you pull your hair back, please?”

“Of course, Quatre, darling.”

“Ready? Go.” They pulled open the door and then they ran.

The sound of scurrying feet and clinking shells was thunderous in the narrow halls that seemed to reverberate with the noises of its little scuttling occupants. Beneath them, beetles got squished and scattered as the pilots ran through with their cargo. The Hall seemed to go on forever, as did the carpet of living black that shifted under their strides. But of course they did make it through. After a good five minutes of hard running, the tunnel shifted upward and the number of beetles decreased. Finally, the floor of the tunnel turned into a set of stairs and after climbing ten or twenty steps there were no more beetles. Setting the girls down, the pilots huffed and puffed as they picked beetles off of their pants and shoes.

“I am never doing that again,” Trowa declared as he flicked a particularly giant beetle into the now quiet darkness.

* * *

After the Hall of Dark Surprises, they encountered a number of other rooms, each with their own tricks or perils or creepy crawly insects. I’ll mention a few.

There was the Chamber of Luminous Bliss. It was a room with a tall ceiling that towered above their heads, the light from their trifling torches and flashlights unable to illuminate it. To move beyond the room, there were two doors. In order to choose the right door, they needed to read the inscription on the ceiling. In the center of the room there was a coil of quick burning rope hanging from the ceiling like a wick. So, they lit the wick and waited for the fire to burn its way towards the top of the room. As it did, moving quickly along the chord, they could make out more and more of the writing above them.

Suddenly, Sally shouted out, “Hold your breath! Don’t breathe it!” Though they were confused, it was a testament to their trust in her that they did as she said, and held their breath obediently. When the fire reached the top, they found they could finally read the writing clearly, though they were rapidly running out of breath. It read: “If you read this go left.” They followed its advice and dashed out of the left door, slamming it behind them and gasping in new oxygen simultaneously.

“What... what was that... all about?” gasped Dorothy, trying to get the spots out of her vision.

“Rope was emitting... toxic smoke... a drug. Causes paralysis,” Sally answered.

“Good call,” Wufei added and the others nodded in agreement.

After that, there was the Demon’s Court for Torturous Pain in which they had to duck many swinging blades suspended from the ceiling and spikes that protruded from the floor and giant iron pendulums that also swung down from above them. That was a surprisingly easy room to get through. They were, after all, Gundam pilots.

A few rooms later, they entered the Chasm of Sinister Returns. In effect, it was an enormously deep gap between two cliff faces. The only way to get to the other side of the chasm was to monkey bar one’s way across, bars provided, of course. That site was particularly abominable because it had the most intense acoustics, amplifying each and every echo that touched the air to immense and often unbearable proportions. A sharp gasp or a sneeze would send dark echoes bouncing off and around all the walls of the chasm, hence the name Chasm of Sinister Returns, they supposed. So, the crew tied ropes around each other as support lines, then either climbed over the top of the bars or swung across by hand, ordinarily not a difficult task but for the fact that they had to remain in complete silence.

The crew encountered a number of other rooms with physical challenges. There was the Pendulum’s Gulf, which required one to swing across a gaping rift by a thick rope (think Tarzan) that hung down from the center of the ceiling. There was the Crater Room, which was basically a giant crater with a narrow walkway that ran around the edge of it. Unfortunately, besides it being a long drop down, and the rim walkway being impossibly restricted, the trail was also quite precarious, with chunks and pieces missing from it. So, there was a lot of leaping, and throwing of bodies, and climbing, and slipping, but ultimately they all got across safe and sound.

In addition to the physical challenges, they also ran into a number of beast-infested rooms. For example, there was the Sting Room (scorpions), the Corridor of Webs (spiders, if you couldn’t tell; lots of people had problems with that one), Corner of Coiled Fangs (snakes), the Furred Throne Room (big, hairy rats), and the Passage of the Dirt Eaters (worms; to Sally’s endless amusement, Wufei had big problems when it came to worms). Now, one might wonder exactly how the abundant number of critters managed to keep themselves alive after all these years underground. Apparently, they survived by hunting one another, which is how they came to find a giant rat quite dead in the Corner of Coiled Fangs, and bits of snake skin in the Sting Room. In fact, they estimated that over the years since the obstacle course was first created and these animals initially installed, the populations of these creatures had likely tripled, even quadrupled, in their isolation.

After what must have been a double dozen or so rooms and obstacles, the group was tired and hungry. Having gone for a whole day without any signs that Gippy was on their trail, they decided they could risk setting up camp and catching a couple hours of sleep before they continued on. But first they had to find a decent room to stay in. So, they drifted through a few more rooms before they found a suitable one to take shelter in. While they were drifting, four Gundam pilots had a rather interesting conversation.

As Heero valiantly led the way, with the girls tagging along with him, Duo pulled Wufei, Trowa, and Quatre to the back of the line to discuss some important business.

“I’ll bet you money that Heero’ll save Relena three times by the time we’re done with this little mission.”

Quatre shook his head immediately. “No bet.” It was generally known that Heero was Relena’s personal knight in shining armor, horse or no horse.

Trowa looked thoughtful, “Three times?” Duo nodded.

“Margins?” asked Wufei.

Duo had obviously thought this out: “Has to be perilous danger. Can’t be a group effort. Has to be her alone.”

“How much?”

“Let’s say 50,” Duo answered, waggling an eyebrow.

“50?” Wufei snorted.

“In or out?”

After a moment the Chinese man shook his head and answered, “Out.”

Duo turned to Trowa.

“So, he has to save her tree times before we get the treasure. He has to save her from perilous danger. He has to be the sole rescuer. And he has to be rescuing only her. Three rescues by the time we get home,” Trowa said to clarify the bet guidelines.

“Yup.”

Trowa smirked and said, “I’m in.”

Duo broke out into a grin. “Alright, 50 in the pot; shake on it.” Quatre looked on and shook his head with a laugh as they sealed their bet.

Later on that evening, they did come upon a suitable room. It was another riddle and key room, so they solved the riddle, got the key, pocketed it and settled down to sleep. It was a good thing that they decided to take a rest when they did, for the next day’s rooms were passed through with a great amount of urgency and hysteria that they could not have handled at that moment.

* * *

At what their watches told them was 5:45 am the next day, the group of ten continued on after a completely unsatisfying breakfast meal. However, refreshed by a night’s sleep, be it less than comfortable or not, they were ready to face the challenges of the day.

The very first room they walked into was the Room of Pointed Points. It was there that the frenzy would start; it was there that much running and panic and fear would begin.

At first glance it hadn’t seemed too daunting. It was the same dark rocks, a moderately high ceiling, and a door at the far end. In the center of the room there was a flat rock podium with a riddle engraved onto the top and a dagger standing point down above the words. The riddle was this:

I talk none
I walk none
I see none
I taste none
I feel none
I breathe none
I hear none
I touch none
And yet I live.
Take the blade.
How would you kill me?

“What the hell?” said Hilde, obviously annoyed. She wasn’t very keen on riddles.

“It says take the blade, so I say we take it,” Dorothy commented. They all looked at each other hesitantly.

Duo smiled and nudged the blond forward towards the podium. “Great! Go ahead,” he said as they all took a giant step back, leaving her to do the job.

She scowled at him but turned back to the dagger in the rock. “Ok. Just think King Arthur,” she muttered to herself as she wrenched the dagger free and jumped back lest any axes or rocks come at her for her offense. Luckily, nothing fell from the sky, but an immense, earth-moving rumble was thrumming through the floor, through the mountain, and through them. Dorothy could feel the cracking of earth in all the bones of her body.

“Is this an earthquake?!” shouted Quatre above the din.

“Look!” Trowa pointed out as a panel of the far wall of the room slid backwards creating a lengthy corridor. As it slowed its movements, a vertical slab of rock slithered up from the floor of the corridor and attached itself to the back wall. On this new slab was a dummy, a figure dressed up like a human, pressed up against the wall, arms and legs spread out to the sides. As the movement slowed and finally stopped, the loud slam of metal clashed around them; a set of vertical jail bars dropped down and sealed off the entrance to the corridor.

“Flashy,” Dorothy commented, as she wiped the new dust that had settled on her shirt.

The group went and peered down the now barred passageway.

“That dummy has spots on it, do you see that?” asked Relena. Indeed, the figure had red spots on its forehead, eyes, ears, nose, mouth, chest, wrists, and ankles.

“They’re targets,” Catherine exclaimed. “The riddle says, ‘How would you kill me?’ We need to hit one of those spots. But which one?”

They rushed back to the podium to examine the clues. “The spots correspond to the clues,” said Trowa. “There’s a spot where his mouth is. ‘I talk none.’ Spots on his legs, ‘I walk none.’ His eyes, ‘I see none.’”

“So all we have to do is find the one with no match,” said Relena.

Trowa nodded. “‘I taste none.’ Mouth. ‘I feel none.’ Hands. ‘I breathe none.’ Chest. ‘I hear none.’ Ears. ‘I touch none.’ Hands...”

“There are two ‘hands’?” asked Duo.

“You never said ‘nose,’” said Sally.

Trowa nodded, “So-”

“‘I breathe none’ is ‘nose’ not ‘chest,’” Heero corrected.

“So, then we don’t have head or chest?” Dorothy recapped, looking quite confused.

“What about ‘hands’?” Duo said.

“So ‘hands’ was ‘feel’ and ‘touch.’ What if ‘feel’ was chest? Your heart feels emotions,” suggested Quatre.

“Perfect, that leaves us with the ‘head.’ He’s still alive because he can still think,” Relena said at last.

“Great, now,” Dorothy began, “Go get ‘em.” She then placed the sharp dagger into Catherine’s hands and gave her a gentle shove towards the bars.

“Aim for the head?” Catherine inquired.

“Yes,” her brother answered as he lifted up a flashlight to shine its light down the corridor again.

They watched as the trim circus performer got acquainted with the blade and did some slow practices, extending the arm out through the bars aiming for the dummy’s head. “Alright,” Catherine announced. “No one make a single noise,” she said slowly, her eyes concentrated on the bright red spot on the body’s head. After two more practice extensions, she drew up her forearm then let it snap out, like a pop, and out flew the dagger. In a split second, it traversed the distance between the bars and the dummy, sinking with a sickeningly audible thud into the precise center of its head.

“Awesome, Cathy!” Duo praised just as a trapdoor swung open over the podium. Out came dust and dirt and a key attached to an envelope. They jumped at the sudden noise and looked around at each other when they began to hear the stomach turning sound of hissing and gears grinding.

Taking the initiative, Heero grabbed at the letter and the key. Tossing the key to Wufei, he opened the letter and read its contents: “You have made it this far. It proves you to be intelligent, strong, and brave. Remember your honesty, for no unworthy villains will escape with my treasures. I, Johnny the Three Fingered Pirate, was worthy until the end.” On a second page tucked in the envelope was scrawled the words: “The tunnels are filling with sand. You have approximately four hours to finish the course and find the chest.”

“What chest?” cried Hilde as she and the rest of the team bolted for the door.

* * *

Two minutes after they ran out that door, Duo got his first save; Heero saving Relena, that is. Facing the Pit of Death, which was really just a giant pit with a narrow rock walkway bridging the gap, the problem was that while the bridge was thick enough lengthwise, the width that they would have to walk across was so thin that one could only walk over it by going one foot at a time. Tying themselves up in pairs, they headed across. Halfway across the dark gulf, Relena’s footing slipped and down she went. In one of the most impressive rescues ever performed, Heero managed to turn around, grab the rope that bound him to Relena, brace his feet on that six-inch-wide strip, and keep his balance with the added weight, all in a split second. After that, pulling her to safety was relatively simple.

When they made it across, they stumbled on to the next room, not even bothering to take off their safety line. Here, Duo got his second save, and he got to do some saving of his own.

The Robber River, as it was called on the map, was an underground river named for its incredibly swift waters. The obstacle, obviously, was to cross it without getting sucked into its awesome currents. This time their bridge was a path of large boulders that crossed from one shore to the other. Not only was this difficult to cross because of the large gaps between the rocks, but, since Johnny’s time, the water level under the mountain had risen and now the river covered or splashed most of the boulders with its icy waters, making them either unusable or exceptionally slick.

Halfway across the river, Hilde, Duo’s safety, slipped and went tumbling over the edge of the boulder they were on. Her drop pulled Duo down. As her legs dangled in the water and she clung to the line, Duo dug in his heels and leaned back, pulling on the line with all of his might. Fighting the powers of a long undisturbed river, Duo finally managed to pull a thoroughly drenched but immensely grateful Hilde.

Heero and Relena’s story was very much the same but for the chaste kiss that Relena bestowed upon her hero as he lifted her to safety. (Yes, he did blush appropriately.)

It had taken a dreadfully long time to plot their course across and an even longer time to actually get across. Now they moved as fast as they could through the rooms. Not only were the obstacles and riddles more difficult, but the threat of being buried in sand was quite tangible now that there was a six-inch to one-foot thick layer of sand now on the floors of all the rooms and all the tunnels, basically everywhere they went. The sand caused panic but it also made movement difficult. Running, for example, was simply a waste of energy.

At long last, with only an hour to spare, the crew reached the final obstacle: the Labyrinth of Desire. There were three entrances to the labyrinth. In each doorway was a diminished ball of string hanging from the arch; one was blue, one red, and one green. A strand of string came off from each and disappeared into the Labyrinth, presumably as a guide through the maze. In front of the doorways there was a table and on the table was a plaque. It said: “Choose your desire. Blue: treasure. Red: happiness. Green: truth.”

“We’ve got an hour; pick fast,” Heero advised as he glanced at his watch. The sand was nearly knee deep.

“Red,” said Catherine. “Everyone wants happiness.”

“Hold on,” said Relena, “I think this is another riddle.”

“What was the clue we got in the beginning? He admires intelligence, bravery, strength, and honesty,” said Wufei. “In the last letter he said we had been proven intelligent, brave, and strong. ‘Remember your honesty,’ he said. He’s looking for honesty, so I say we go for Blue: treasure. It is what we came for.”

So they took up the blue ball and began collecting its string and following its path through the maze. The ball got considerably larger as time progressed, but at last, with twenty minutes left on the countdown and the sand somewhat past hip deep, they came to the end. It was a grand room with high walls and high ceiling. The walls were adorned with fine tapestries and paintings, antiques and sculptures decorated the room. But the most prominent artifact in the room was Old Johnny the Three Fingered Pirate who sat in a corner of the room, his bones sagging out of his chair. He actually did have only three fingers, and he had the clichéd pirate patch over his right eye. In front of him at his desk, there was a dry chalice and a miniature golden treasure chest. There was a lock on the front of it.

“The key,” cried Duo excitedly as he fished through his pockets to find it.

The key fit into the lock precisely and with a click, the latch clicked open and they slowly flipped the lid of the chest open. Within it, they found a key and yet another note.

The Key to the Treasure:

We ten had a circle of murder.
Two women killed one man each.
One killed two.
One of those men left standing killed two women,
Another killed one.
Of the three left, each killed only two.
Who killed me?

Run the beach for 500 paces, then with this jewel, open the door to the treasures of Johnny the Three Fingered Pirate.

“What jewel?” asked Hilde incredulously.

“This key must be for the door out,” said Quatre as he attempted to stop sinking into the sand.

“But we can’t leave until we get the jewel he’s talking about,” Relena pointed out.

“Yeah, ain’t no way I’m leaving this godforsaken place without treasure,” Duo stated.

“Ok, we’ll role-play it; there are ten of us, after all. We’ll get in a circle. When you die, step out. Ok. ‘Two women killed one man each.’ So, Hilde, Sally, we’ll say you killed Wufei, and Duo. ‘One killed two.’ So, Catherine, you killed Trowa and Quatre. ‘One of those men left standing killed two women.’ So we’ll say that Dorothy’s a man-”

“I resent that.”

“-and she killed Hilde and Sally. ‘Another killed one.’ So, Heero, you killed Catherine. ‘Of the three left,’ that’s me, Dorothy, and Heero, ‘each killed only two.’ So, Heero, how many have you killed?”

“One, Catherine.”

“Dorothy?”

“Two, Hilde and Sally, I believe.”

“So then, since Dorothy can’t kill anyone else, Heero kills Dorothy because he can’t kill me yet since I haven’t killed anyone yet. But then if Heero kills Dorothy, he’s already killed two, so he can’t kill me. So I must’ve killed him.” Soon, after all this twisted reenactment, Relena is the only character left in the circle. “I must be Johnny, then.

I’m the only one left; I’ve only killed one. The second person I kill is myself. Who killed me? I did.”

In perfect synchronization, the group turned to stare at the skeleton in the corner with his three fingers.

“So he killed himself, that doesn’t really help. Where’s the jewel?” asked Catherine, thoroughly annoyed with the sand seeping into her boots and elsewhere.

Suddenly, Dorothy snapped her fingers in classic Eureka! fashion. “Who killed me? I did. I did,” she said again, this time pointing to her eye. “Eye did. The jewel’s under his patch!”

Despite the utter elation at having solved the mystery, no one really wanted to go flipping over a dead man’s eye patch. In the end, they made Heero do it. With a simple ‘flip’ he turned the patch over and peered into the socket. Sitting there lightly in the hollow of his eyes was a large blue jewel.

“Oh that’s gross,” Duo complained as he watched Heero insert his fingers and pluck the gem out from the skeleton’s head. Nevertheless, he was looking forward to a horde of treasure. “Ok, now we can go.”

After pushing the door open, jewel now in their possession, they stumbled out onto an afternoon beach covered in afternoon sun. Behind them, sand was pouring out in rivets and the side of the cliff was breaking apart. They ran out onto the beach intending to put as much distance between themselves and Johnny. They were lucky that the tide had been out, making it much easier to navigate the 500 paces that were required to find the secret cove of the pirate’s treasures. As they ran along counting their paces, they were abruptly shot at from behind.

And so, here we are back at the beach. Running.

* * *

“They’re catching up,” said Heero as another shot sent sand flying not too far behind them.

“How come we don’t have any weapons?” asked an exasperated Wufei.

“Lost ‘em?” offered Quatre.

“How?” cried Wufei.

“River? Sand? Scorpion?”

“Worm?” added Sally, earning her a glare from her partner.

“Besides, I think we spent most of our bullets on the rats,” added Trowa.

“YES!” Duo suddenly cried out. “500!” he shouted, veering suddenly towards the cliffs on their right. Fortunately, the old pirate’s cove was sheltered by a protective overhang. It helped to put a barrier between the crew and the gunmen chasing them.

“They’re gonna get down here soon, Duo, so hurry it up!” Hilde said, nervously looking over her shoulder for the goons.

They stood before a familiarly smooth whitish stone with a hole in its lower right corner. Just as Duo was about to place the jewel into its spot, the goons appeared.

This is when Duo got his third save.

Heero turned, his sense sharp, and saw one of the gunmen targeting Relena. With a high powered launch, he collided with the blond woman and knocked her out of harm’s way just as a shot whizzed by and hit the cliff face sending shards of stone flying all over the place.

“You owe me 50,” Duo smiled to Trowa just before the floor dropped out from under all of them. “I should have expected that,” said Duo. The drop had left them in the water. Swimming in through the channel, they came upon an awesome sight. It was a giant hollow cove. On one end was raised shore, flat and dry and covered in gold. He and the others took in the sight as they swam towards either the shore on the opposite side of the cave, or the enormous pirate ship that sat in the middle of the cove. The ship was the very cliché of a pirate ship. It was dark and menacing, and was even lightly adorned with the good ole jolly roger.

Hilde and Sally were already lounging about on the shore when the three goons swam into the cove and grabbed Relena in the water. Before they could even think of beginning to speak, Heero had them quite unconscious and was towing them to shore so they could be bound and gagged.

Lying around on shore with golden trinkets in his hand, Trowa smirked. “So, Duo, I guess now you owe me 50.”

“Excuse me?” Duo asked. “Count with me now. Pit of Death, Robber River, gunshot outside.”

Trowa shook his head, “And now the tied and gagged goons makes four.”

Duo looked confused and annoyed. “So, that’s still more than three.”

Wufei laughed from the sidelines. “You said ‘three,’ not ‘more than three.’ Trowa wins. You owe him 50.”

“Technicality, Trowa. But here you go,” the braided pilot said, placing a golden helmet into his friend’s hands.

Trowa laughed.

* * *

After making a few calls and arrangements, Gipkoel and his lackeys were sent off to jail for attempted murder, kidnapping, etcetera. And what about all the gold and pirate treasure?

On a private beach under the Caribbean sun, ten multimillionaires lay sunbathing.

“Lovely here, isn’t it, Heero?”

“Um,” the man replied affirmatively.

“See? I told you Jamaica would be nice.”

THE END

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